Somewhere in my head there is a box with a glass lid where every memory that could hurt or anger me is stored. I can often see these memories, watch them play out again and again without feeling the emotions each contain. My theripist calls this box compartmentalized repression.
I cannot unlock my memory box. It has been closed for so long that the lock has rusted, and the key won't turn. Over the years, these memories have sat festering in memory residue, molding and degrading. These residual effects have seeped through the confines of this box, reeking havic on my behaviors, beliefs, and actions. In locking away these memories, I have inadvertently shut down my ability to experience the rainbow of emotions essential for a healthy, fulfilled life.
I used to pride myself on not being an over-emotional girl, being able to handle challenging situations, and not overreacting. I am strong and can take anything life throws at me. I did not realize that this belief would catch up to me in damaging ways and force me to realize that my memory box needed to be opened and dealt with and that I could not do it alone. I needed an expert locksmith and guide to unlock, unpack and resolve the contents of my box.
Looking back on past behaviors and choices has shown me how not dealing with painful events and memories has shut down essential skills to deal with rejection, self-sabotage, self-doubt, mistrust, shame, guilt, and the delusion that the bad things that happened to me were my fault.
This journey, my journey, cannot be conquered alone. It will be complicated and torturous, painful and complex; however, it will also be a path of discovery, growth, positive change, and complete joy and love for myself and the world around me.